Monday, July 12, 2010

The One Where She Asks " Does My Ass Look Fat in this Shower?"

So for about a year, I've been without.  Without a shower in the master bathroom.  I know, you're all  like "Hey Swirl Girl, quitcher bitchin - there are people in Africa who bathe in the same dung infested water that the hippos and wildebeasts crawl through!"  All that being said - I don't live in the wilds of Africa - I live in the  planned urban development in the wild suburbs of Los Angeles.  And while we may have our own tribal infestations of coyotes and rabbits, we live with the promise of not having to use {ugh, perish the thought!} the downstairs bath to shower. 

So after much consternation (read: nagging to Hubby) we finally bit the bullet (read: hired someone to do the job as while Hubby can put together Ikea furniture like his name should be Sven Jorgensen he is 'ethnically challenged' when faced with plumbing and flooring because everyone knows that schtick about jewish guys and how they hire someone to screw in a lightbulb) and began the work. 


Now I am reminded of a commercial from years ago (yes, I am that old..back in the day before DVR, we watched commercials) for , Alka Seltzer Plus cold medicine , I think...when a couple is doing a kitchen renovation and interviewing contractors which is never fun and even worse when you have a cold...anyway - the contractor says "...so first we'll come and tear up the place and then inexplicably disappear for two, maybe three weeks at a time - and when I come back you'll be so happy to see me you'll kiss me full on the mouth..."  So when faced with the prospect of having to actually find someone to do this work - this commercial keeps running through my head.  I expect to be blown off about 2 hours into the first day. 


But we find a guy through a guy and he's got good references - he calls to see if he can come earlier than expected {whu?  first expectation avoided} and arrives bright and early to begin demolishon of old shower pan and tile work.   For the next 10 days, on schedule - he arrives at 8:00 am.  Does his thing - cleans up after himself, works with me on design.  Done on schedule.  Even comes back on Saturday to do the finish work.  Fan-tastic. 

I just can't wait til eveything dries and sets and I can get in there and clean the gunk and dust  - take a nice hot  shower and shave my legs.  No more one legged flamingo stance! 


So Sunday morning - I prepare.  I turn on the water and let it get nice and hot.  Hubby joins me in the bathroom for a ceremonial "Ahhhh".  I kick his ass out of there and he heads downstairs.  I soap up and lather the mohawk that has become my right calf when I hear  "Swirl Girl, turn off the frickin' water!!!" 

The pictorial*  that follows exlpains it all.
  *{artist rendering- all likenesses to actual persons are opinions only}

"Hubby, does my ass look fat in this shower?"



"Cleaning my kitchen was such a chore until I installed the Suck-tastic Shower 2010!"


I know there's a water shortage in California, but do I really want to take a shower and clean my kitchen at the same time? 

I frickin' hate Murphy and his damned law. 


** edited afterthoughts :  Looking on the bright side, I guess it's better to hear "Uh -oh " and "Ah, shit" from your contractor than your doctor!
   ***totally edited afterthough:  This week I am joining Angie at Seven Clown Circus for Wordful Wednesdays!   Pop on over to see her!

10 comments:

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

ACK!!! Why did I read this!!! We're about to (maybe... someday) have the house finished and they are adding a bath upstairs - right above the family room.

So... were you able to hunt down Mr. Fix It and tell him to FIX IT

(PS - My great great Grandfather was Carl Jorgensen... pretty close!)(And yes, I am VERY skilled at putting together IKEA stuff)

Ash said...

Oh hon, I'm so very, very sorry.

But on the bright side, your ass looks fantastic in or out of that sucktastic shower. Really.

Jen said...

Oh that totally sucks!!!

for a different kind of girl said...

I love that the ad under this post is to help one solve a leaky pipes problem!

My mom is in the middle of having her kitchen and bathroom redone, including getting a shower installed in her bathroom, which she's ever had. Oh, the gross showers we used to have to take in the even grosser basement shower when I was growing up! Anyway, her contractors are just plowing through the projects, so I think I'll just not mention problems like this to her!

Hope things have gotten fixed by now and you've got those legs shaved in comfort!

tulpen said...

That's just craptastic.

angie said...

Oh no.

That's NO good.

Bad plumbing?

Is it me or is today the first day that has felt like summer here?

~ Noelle said...

totally sucks..
but your post was pretty funny!

MommaKiss said...

ah. yes. now i see why you feel my pain. we had a bathroom reno a few summers ago. 'twas NOT fun at all. I was showering at the gym, bathing the kids at the neighbors.
anyway. shower water in the kitchen - so not cool!

JoeinVegas said...

OH, sorry. We are in the middle of a bathroom thing too, but doing it ourselves. Leaks like that mean shower pan, which means tearing out the whole shower floor and part of the walls and redoing. Sounds like your guy might be quick and good at the pretty stuff but not knowledgable in the hard stuff. Did you get permits/inspections? (yes, you need them)

Mariah said...

Oh shit is right! Bummer.